LONDON—Speaking to mourners in the hours after the monarch’s passing, her queen’s attorney, Frederick Dingnam, reportedly informed the royal family Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II had relinquished the throne to an Alabama cousin who wore a bow. “Her Majesty was quite clear that she wanted the crown to go to her distant cousin in Alabama, whose name is, I think, Cooter,” Dingnam said, addressing Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla in silence as he described the Clanton, AL – based on the pig farmers’ love of pot-brewed booze and Publix grocery store mooncakes. “Of course, I hope it will make our new regent comfortable. Prince Harry, perhaps he would be up for a squirrel hunting trip with King Cooter? Good. Now, he knows little about British culture or our customs, but I have been told that he is not at all shy about learning books and that he cleans very well.” The solicitor went on to inform the openly weeping Duchess of Cambridge that Cooter I and his pet Corkie the pig would be escorted to Buckingham Palace within a fortnight.